both of us
addicted
to yesterdays
and
loneliness
and each other.
so
alone
together
and
at home
where the yelling
breaks
our sanity
we
always
hold out
for
each other.

Mr. Johns

"Hi, what's your name again? I know you've been here a lot, but I never got around to talking to you."
"So, where's your family?"
"Why don't you go to their church...families should stay together, you know..."
"Well, I hope to meet them sometime. Goodbye."

...

"How's your family?"

...

"How's your family been?"

...

He never asked how I was doing. Even when I came in late or left early, came in looking tired and scared. Even though my eyes were usually red and puffy, and I'd obviously been crying the whole drive to church.

Always, "How's your family?"

Even though he'd never met my family. Ever.


my family isn't here, you've never met them, they're not at your church. I am, I'm here and I need help and a church to open it's arms to me.  

I know You.

I've been a little unsettled for a while. So much of what I'd been told and taught was a lie, a manipulation, a twisted deception. And it's not ok. I didn't know what to believe. I know I believe in You, but beyond that, I felt muddled and confused. 

A close friend spoke some clarity into that fog: "You know who He is. You know what He's told you about Himself. You know that those other people were wrong. You know that. Trust that." 

I started to list what I know about You.

I know You are God.
I know You created all things.
I know You are good, and full of goodness.
I know You love me.
I know You care for me.
I know You are my Provider.
I know You think I'm worth dying for, and that You died so I could live and know You.
I know You are Light.
I know You are Truth.
I know You are Hope.
I know You are Love.
I know You're all I need.
I know You are measureless.
I know You are jealous for me.
I know You want my whole heart.
I know You will never, ever give up on me.
I know You hold me close.
I know You are my Healer.
I know You've set me free.
I know I can trust You.
I know You're more than enough.
I know You saved me.
I know nothing is impossible for You.
I know You are full of grace.
I know You won't judge me.
I know You don't see my sin anymore.
I know You will always find me.
I know You are always there, even when I don't feel like it.
I know You.
I know You aren't angry with me.
I know I don't have to do anything to please You. I know I can't.
I know You see me through.
I know You see me at my worst, and still love me with an unimaginable, untamable love.
I know I don't have to pretend with You. I can tell You anything and everything.
I know You take my broken pieces and turn them into something whole and beautiful.
I know You never fail.




I know that You are light, and in You can be NO darkness.

I know the church told me a lie...taught me darkness, instead of light. I know they told me that rules, legalism, judgement, traditions, and empty words were the only way to please You. And I know I was deceived by that lie. I know I'm a hypocrite, still saturated in that worthless deception. But me and His grace, we're fighting it. I know I don't believe those lies anymore. I can't. But it's tough. Church after church, "christian" after "christian" judged and hurt me, told me lies. Somedays the thought of stepping foot in a church literally terrifies me.

But I know You.

I know You are LIGHT, and in You is no darkness. None.

I trust You.

build me
      a
city
      out of cardboard
boxes
        and
strings
and shadowy
             daydreams.
chisel
your thoughts
                     into
a
           stone-grey sky. fill
the
clouds with
                  words
and
                  deep thoughts and
plans.
           then
make me
             a
                                                       balloon
and let me
                                                                  go.

random thoughts of the day.

It's gonna take a long time to work through things.

It's gonna hurt sometimes.

Some days will be harder.

It's ok to be broken.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Not everything is black and white.

Sometimes you have to say no.

It's ok to say no.

It's ok to treat yourself nice.

It's ok to take a break.

Nobody has it all figured out.

Nobody has all of the answers.

Boundaries are good and healthy.

Family can be an idol.

It's ok to spend money on yourself.

It's ok to look nice.

Love those who drive you crazy.

Jesus is true.

Drama is inevitable. But don't create it.

Being anxious doesn't fix or help anything.

It's not my job to help everyone.

I need to be more forgiving.

I need to learn the weight of forgiveness.

I need to know who Jesus is.

At the end of the day, what I do and say and who I am is between me and Jesus.

Content? or Poisoned?

Many times my friends within the church will tell me what's wrong with their life, or what they want instead, or where they want to be, or how messed up they are. 

But they add in fine print, a common lie. "But, you know, I'm content." or  "I'm trying to be content."  or "I know I should be content."

Because that's what a "good" christian says. Because contentment is expected, it's what we've been taught and told all our lives. If we want anything else, we're told we're rebellious and sinning. But that's wrong. 

I think we've have it wrong.

Most cases of "contentment" are actually apathy, laziness, helplessness, or giving up. 

Contentment is "a state of being satisfied" 

Satisfied is "being happy with one's state; well pleased." 

If your life is not where it should be, then you should not try to be content with it. 

God doesn't want "safe", socially acceptable Christians. This often means living as God intended goes against what the Church expects and teaches. But He doesn't want us to live life half-dead, suppressing the desires and gifts He's given to us. He doesn't want us to be so busy living so called "biblical" lives (a concept made up by legalistic, graceless Christians!) that we miss out on the unique path He's given each of us.

 no more cookie cutter Christians!

God gave you desires, gifts, talents, skills, thoughts, and dreams to use for His glory. He wants you to first love Him whole heartedly, and this includes loving what He loves.Including yourself. Love yourself. 

I'm so sick of the church teaching us that it's not ok to love and take care of ourselves. Yes, we are called to servanthood and to love others selflessly, but we're God's creation too and He wants us to be whole, unbroken. Realizing our worth shouldn't be a cause for pride, but if we genuinely see how He loves us, will bring us to joyful humility and thankfulness. 

God made you so beautiful and amazing, He planned out every inch of you. He didn't put you in a box, so don't let your parents or the church or society or anyone else hold you back from what He has for you. Don't. 

Stop it right now. 

Wake up! 

If you're living the way you are because it's easy, because it's expected, because someone else told you to, STOP IT. Run shamelessly after Christ, fall deeply in love with Him and learn to live fully alive. Don't waste any more time. Don't worry about what people will say or think. 

Don't be content with anything less than more Jesus, more grace, more love.