I know You.

I've been a little unsettled for a while. So much of what I'd been told and taught was a lie, a manipulation, a twisted deception. And it's not ok. I didn't know what to believe. I know I believe in You, but beyond that, I felt muddled and confused. 

A close friend spoke some clarity into that fog: "You know who He is. You know what He's told you about Himself. You know that those other people were wrong. You know that. Trust that." 

I started to list what I know about You.

I know You are God.
I know You created all things.
I know You are good, and full of goodness.
I know You love me.
I know You care for me.
I know You are my Provider.
I know You think I'm worth dying for, and that You died so I could live and know You.
I know You are Light.
I know You are Truth.
I know You are Hope.
I know You are Love.
I know You're all I need.
I know You are measureless.
I know You are jealous for me.
I know You want my whole heart.
I know You will never, ever give up on me.
I know You hold me close.
I know You are my Healer.
I know You've set me free.
I know I can trust You.
I know You're more than enough.
I know You saved me.
I know nothing is impossible for You.
I know You are full of grace.
I know You won't judge me.
I know You don't see my sin anymore.
I know You will always find me.
I know You are always there, even when I don't feel like it.
I know You.
I know You aren't angry with me.
I know I don't have to do anything to please You. I know I can't.
I know You see me through.
I know You see me at my worst, and still love me with an unimaginable, untamable love.
I know I don't have to pretend with You. I can tell You anything and everything.
I know You take my broken pieces and turn them into something whole and beautiful.
I know You never fail.




I know that You are light, and in You can be NO darkness.

I know the church told me a lie...taught me darkness, instead of light. I know they told me that rules, legalism, judgement, traditions, and empty words were the only way to please You. And I know I was deceived by that lie. I know I'm a hypocrite, still saturated in that worthless deception. But me and His grace, we're fighting it. I know I don't believe those lies anymore. I can't. But it's tough. Church after church, "christian" after "christian" judged and hurt me, told me lies. Somedays the thought of stepping foot in a church literally terrifies me.

But I know You.

I know You are LIGHT, and in You is no darkness. None.

I trust You.

build me
      a
city
      out of cardboard
boxes
        and
strings
and shadowy
             daydreams.
chisel
your thoughts
                     into
a
           stone-grey sky. fill
the
clouds with
                  words
and
                  deep thoughts and
plans.
           then
make me
             a
                                                       balloon
and let me
                                                                  go.

random thoughts of the day.

It's gonna take a long time to work through things.

It's gonna hurt sometimes.

Some days will be harder.

It's ok to be broken.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Not everything is black and white.

Sometimes you have to say no.

It's ok to say no.

It's ok to treat yourself nice.

It's ok to take a break.

Nobody has it all figured out.

Nobody has all of the answers.

Boundaries are good and healthy.

Family can be an idol.

It's ok to spend money on yourself.

It's ok to look nice.

Love those who drive you crazy.

Jesus is true.

Drama is inevitable. But don't create it.

Being anxious doesn't fix or help anything.

It's not my job to help everyone.

I need to be more forgiving.

I need to learn the weight of forgiveness.

I need to know who Jesus is.

At the end of the day, what I do and say and who I am is between me and Jesus.

Content? or Poisoned?

Many times my friends within the church will tell me what's wrong with their life, or what they want instead, or where they want to be, or how messed up they are. 

But they add in fine print, a common lie. "But, you know, I'm content." or  "I'm trying to be content."  or "I know I should be content."

Because that's what a "good" christian says. Because contentment is expected, it's what we've been taught and told all our lives. If we want anything else, we're told we're rebellious and sinning. But that's wrong. 

I think we've have it wrong.

Most cases of "contentment" are actually apathy, laziness, helplessness, or giving up. 

Contentment is "a state of being satisfied" 

Satisfied is "being happy with one's state; well pleased." 

If your life is not where it should be, then you should not try to be content with it. 

God doesn't want "safe", socially acceptable Christians. This often means living as God intended goes against what the Church expects and teaches. But He doesn't want us to live life half-dead, suppressing the desires and gifts He's given to us. He doesn't want us to be so busy living so called "biblical" lives (a concept made up by legalistic, graceless Christians!) that we miss out on the unique path He's given each of us.

 no more cookie cutter Christians!

God gave you desires, gifts, talents, skills, thoughts, and dreams to use for His glory. He wants you to first love Him whole heartedly, and this includes loving what He loves.Including yourself. Love yourself. 

I'm so sick of the church teaching us that it's not ok to love and take care of ourselves. Yes, we are called to servanthood and to love others selflessly, but we're God's creation too and He wants us to be whole, unbroken. Realizing our worth shouldn't be a cause for pride, but if we genuinely see how He loves us, will bring us to joyful humility and thankfulness. 

God made you so beautiful and amazing, He planned out every inch of you. He didn't put you in a box, so don't let your parents or the church or society or anyone else hold you back from what He has for you. Don't. 

Stop it right now. 

Wake up! 

If you're living the way you are because it's easy, because it's expected, because someone else told you to, STOP IT. Run shamelessly after Christ, fall deeply in love with Him and learn to live fully alive. Don't waste any more time. Don't worry about what people will say or think. 

Don't be content with anything less than more Jesus, more grace, more love. 

We want jobs. that's why we go to school, not because we want to. Sure, sometimes we have some really amazing professors who teach us a lot about ourselves and life and God. We meet amazing people from all sorts of backgrounds, some that we love, some we hate. But they teach us things and help us become who we are.
I'm here because someone told me to go. I've stayed in this far because everyone tells me I have to. I'm sick of doing what they want me to. I'm done. I'm through.

I need to

find

my own words

Tired 

of being a

crooked mirror 

I want to

paint

with my 

own

broken fingers

not stained brushes

and only

with the feel 

of

magic racing

through

my mind and

singing inside 

of

my heart racing

not

holding back

not pretending and

sleepwalking 

anymore

now

dancing. 

"You wanna be real, and when people aren't real they judge you for being so."

maybe I'm tired of people telling me how to act

when I don't want to act at all.

I want to be real. 

something's bound to break

I've been thinking about getting away. Far away.

I've been thinking about San Francisco. the city that stole my heart.
I've been thinking about New Orleans. the city that matches my heartbeat.

I've been mentally scribbling out a packing list.
paints
canvas
brushes
books
notebooks
paper


I've been thinking about cooking. writing. living. breathing. painting. thinking.

I've been thinking about getting away.
From?
Nothing, and everything.















http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7YP4k7rMuc&ob=av2e

"It is a grave disservice to the heart, soul, body and spirit of a woman when she is given the subtle message that the truth of her own pain is not as important as the reputation of the ones who inflict it."

R.C. Sproul on Legalism

"Perhaps the most deadly and widespread form of legalism is that type which adds legislation to the law of God and treats the addition as if it were divine law. The Old Testament prophets expressed God's fury at this form of behavior, lamenting the result of "binding men where God had left them free." It is a manifestation of man's fallenness to impose his own sense of propriety on other people, seeking mass conformity to his own preferences and adding insult to it by declaring these prejudices and preferences to be nothing less than the will of God. A frequent point of conflict between Jesus and the Pharisees centered on the Pharisees' traditions, which imposed hardships on the people who were bound by these man-made obligations. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they had elevated their traditions to the level of the law of God, seeking not only to usurp God's authority, but to oppress mankind.

"The elevation of human preferences to the level of divine mandate is not limited to an isolated group of moralistic Pharisees in the first century. The problem has beset the church throughout its history. Not only do traditions develop that are added to the law of God, but in many cases they become the supreme tests of the faith, the litmus test by which people are judged to be either Christians or non-Christians. It is unthinkable in the New Testament that a person's Christian commitment would ever be determined by whether or not that person engaged in dancing, or in wearing of lipstick and the like. Unfortunately, so often when these preferences become tests of faith, they involve not only the elevation of nonbiblical mandates to the level of the will of God, but they represent the trivialization of righteousness. When these externals are elevated to the level of being measuring rods of righteousness, we begin to major in minors and obscure the real tests of righteousness." R.C. Sproul, Following Christ, (Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1991), pp. 323-325.

"The manipulation of conscience can be a destructive force within the Christian community. Legalists are often masters of guilt manipulation, while antinomians master the art of quiet denial. The conscience is a delicate instrument that must be respected. One who seeks to influence the conscience of others carries a heavy responsibility to maintain the integrity of the other person's own personality as crafted by God. When we impose false guilt on others we paralyze our neighbors, binding them in chains where God has left them free. When we urge false innocence we contribute to their delinquency, exposing them to the judgment of God." R.C. Sproul, Following Christ, (Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1991), p.390.

(taken from Patriarchy.org) 

review: Uncle Ben's Long Grain & Wild Ready Rice

Ok, this was not what I was hoping for. Wild rice is like HEAVEN to me. For reals. Favourite food because it's got that chewy-ish outside with the tenderness on the inside, plus the taste is amazing, and it's just right as a side or in stuffing birds 'cause it's not too light and carby, but not too heavy either.

SO! Anyways! This rice only took 90 seconds to heat in the microwave as it comes pre-cooked and preserved in all sorts of jank. It was salty to the point of distraction from the flavour, and the texture was just plain weird and unappealing.

So, go for a different brand of Wild Rice.

The end.